Solid Gold

All I want is a solid gold pearl handled laser sighted antistatic gas vented goosedown silenced .38 semiautomatic pistol, with a leather wrapped trigger by Gucci.

Like the one I saw behind the Donna Karen window. Shone by a single flood on its mealy metal glisten form.

They better have layaway because it's on sale this week and I think a second mortgage is all it'll take to make a downpayment on it.

Behind the ultra-light golden death machine they showed looping commercials of scantily-clad Hollywood actors and actresses playing Vanna in their hands.

(David Duchovny and Demi Moore have especially elegant fingers.)

As they fired magazines of Nike labeled shells into a two-day fresh cadaver, never missing more than a few inches off center mass.

It's Hollywood, man, you'd think with all their magic you'd see a couple of headshots. They obviously spared no expense – even the body wore up-to-the-second fashionable jeans and a sly-comment tshirt.

The advertising jingle floated down to the sidewalk from the awning and imbibed me, drank me full of wanton neglect for the outside world, talking about “The Bling That Matches Everything.”

For the moment it was just me and Belinda – every gun is supposed to have a name, right. Belinda smiled at me from her trigger while Drew Barrymore went POW after Earth-shattering POW in the nude. At least, I think she was naked, man, I don't even know because all I could see was this litle huddled package screaming BUY ME! BUY ME!

What you say? The trigger guard doubles as an earring post? Now I gots to get me one of these.

I'm already scheming, I mean, I already called my banker about that mortgage and I think there was a call on the internet just the other day for some child labor camp. Said they were paying good American greenbacks if you could get them to this barge over in Portsmouth by twelve o'clock tonight. I think I'll send them all but my favorite son; that oughtta at least get me through the first couple of payments.

Holy shit, not they have a monkey on TV shooting up the corpse with panache. Now I gotta get me one of these solid gold pearl handled laser sighted antistatic gas vented goosedown silenced .38 semiautomatic pistol with a leather wrapped trigger by Gucci.

I just hope they'll accept barter for those bullets with the swooshes on them.

Solid Gold by Michael W. Hyde is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.